i'm addicted to the flame, it's a dangerous love affair..

i went to the choir christmas party tonight.

my hair does not like the shower+detangling.
i have it in a ponytail with my terry headband to hopefully smooth it down.

my toe never stops cracking.
i wonder if i could somehow just pop it back into place.
my other toe is normal but this one feels loose in the joint.

i'm so tired.

anytime i need to see your face, i just close my eyes..

my diet is ready to go, and so is my exercise plan.
let's see how that pans out.

i'm taking my braids out tonight & tomorrow.
when i finish i will wash and deep condition and then post some pictures on my fotki.
the link to the twistout album is here.

i'm going to paint my nails while i'm sitting under the dryer.
yellow again, i think.

i need a new reggie.
i'll post that tomorrow.

it's the end of the world as we know it..
last night marie came to drop her car off for the winter break.
it's a nice car, an 07 honda civic coupe.
silvery colour.
lloyd came to drop her off but i was too scared to meet him so i never got close enough.
although he was in his truck anyway, so it's not as though i had to.
i don't know why i was scared.
it's not as though we haven't been creeping him for months now.

to do.
-find out what needs to be paid for my mastercard bill
-reduce the interest on my credit card
-make a christmas/boxing day shopping list
-plan my healthy menu
-work out a high intensity gym routine

getting things done used to be fun.
perhaps it can be again?
i will update later on in the day with my progress.

sarcastic mr. know it all

this is the first day of the rest of my life.
i want to forever remember this day as a turning point.
i'm going to leave behind every disappointing memory, every hurt feeling, every day where it was too much to do much of anything, every moment that seemed to sharp to be real.

i've only just realized that i live my life in a dream.
i fail to commit, i fail to work hard, i fail to excel.
and i'm capable, but it's hard.
and i despise hard work, i despise effort.
i don't like to feel too much because it leads to hurting too much.
i let few people in, and i trust no one.
i don't even trust myself.

i'm horrible unhappy.
i'm horribly alone.
every moment is an acute sense of solitude, stretching out into all the other countless moments that both preceeded it and will continue to proceed in a long endless procession of moments too painful to fully bear.
i live my life inside of myself.
i go through the motions only.
i don't even know what i want.
if i wanted something, wouldn't i work for it?
wouldn't i strive to excel?
why why why why why?

i need to give my life meaning.
i'm not going to find it with anyone else, i need it to come from within.
but i feel as though i have nothing to live for.
what is there?
i've been told i'm beautiful, i say this without vanity, for i've never truly felt beautiful.
i've been told that i'm smart.
i am, that's a fact.
but so what?
i'm athletic, i have a lovely body.
on the outside, it seems like there's nothing wrong but mentally i sometimes wonder if i'm all there.

my life is a haze.
an endless haze.
sometimes i wish i could just sleep forever.
a deep, endless sleep.
just sleep, sleep, sleep.

and now i'm going to leave it all behind.
today is the first day of the rest of my life.
i'm going to live for something.
i'm going to live for me.